On This Day

     One this day, Fathers day, A day that I forget quite often because I don't have a father. Usually for children of Divorce or never really knew their dads. This day is like any other day. Why? Because they have not had that father figure in their lives. 

     There is one thing though, In my heart, I long for a father figure in my life. A Godly man to take me under his wing. It has always be a desire of my heart. I believe that people with out fathers also feel this to some degree. As a Guy, I never really have figured out what it is like to be a man. I have been guessing all my life. 

       This also plays a part of how I live life. Without a family, I have been playing a life of guessing. I have been relying on God all my life. I feel Stunted in my growth as a man. Sometimes in life I don't know how to do basic things like: how to properly get a job, Show confidence, know how to truly love people. I have been doing the best and the examples of all that have been filled with disfunction and greif. 

     But you know what. I have had a father with me my whole life. He is My Heavenly Father. Who has looked out for me, Has loved me and has never failed me not once in my life. Sure life gets rough and I sometimes think what God is doing, But God is teaching me, bringing me through hard times, and teaching me more then I could ever know. I know God has a Family lined up for me, I know one day God will Give me my desire. If it is Here on earth or if it is in Heaven. For If He gives me it on earth, it still wont be easy, but it will still be perfect and if it is in heaven, I will be with my brothers and sisters, i will have a family i can be with then too.

      Right now As tears splash onto my keyboard, I just keep thinking: "I want a family to take me in and love me and accept me for who I am, Because being alone is hard." I think with the deepest hurts in ones life, thats where they are going to strive. I want to be a husband and a father one day. That is what i would love to do as a future ministry is help people in broken Family, Love them and bring them in. 

     That is my heart On this Fathers day. I Thank God for being my Father. I also want to say happy fathers day to Grandpa, Brad, and Richard. Who I think are the greatest fathers.

Trying Not To Feel The Shame

     This walk is not the easiest, being a christian is hard. I find in my walk there are three of the hardest things, Reading my bible, Praying and walking in my faith. This is my reality. I have great desires to read more, to pray more, and to live out my faith. It is just hard. I think what has impacted and shaped me in this way is not having a Godly man pursuing me. I feel all the great men of God are always too busy. I can tell you from my point of view that it is hard not having that. I go out talk to Godly men and learn amazing things! It is truly amazing, but at the end of the day i am left with how do i do these things that they tell me, how can i see them working in my life. It seems so easy to hear it, but it is another thing to do it. I don't want to rely on people, but rely on God. There is a point though where all i do is hear but i don't have anyone walk by my side to help me pick up the bible, help me in prayer or help me walk in faith. It really is hard for me to pick up my bible read it out loud and someone telling me to stop. It makes me feel ashamed of reading my bible. I know I should not feel that way, but I do. I want to be a Man of God, I look at men of the bible like David, how he was a man after Gods own heart. I would love to be that guy even though there is always mistakes. We learn from them don't we? I want to be a man who puts God before all other things, but to live that is really hard.